18 5 / 2012
In Repair
I’m so tired of hitting rock bottom. For me, it’s not a rare thing, but the inevitable end game. I get tired of being where I am, so I set goals and I work hard and I impress a lot of people in the process. People think I’m so dedicated and the people who know me best think I’m getting better, or worse, that I’m completely fixed. But somewhere in the midst of my success, I become aware of just how well I’m doing and that’s when I fuck it up for myself. The secret bingeing starts. The shameful purging follows. The 12 hour comas last for weeks. I go until I’m dizzy. I go until being awake still feels like I’m dreaming and everything feels a little fuzzy. And then I decide to get ahold of myself. The days of detoxing begin. The gallons of water are guzzled. The feeling of hunger spurs me on. It’s encouraging. The rigid routine of exact clean calories and hours of exercise commence. I run till I can’t feel my legs. Then I run more. I run until I collapse. That’s the only way I feel satisfied with running- I must break myself.
Who am I kidding? This “fitblr” is not a fitblr. I am still a girl who is desperately unhappy with herself and is obsessed with changing myself physically. It doesn’t even matter if my goal weight is healthy- the whole thing is still ridiculously sick. And I’m so tired of being consumed with this!
I’ve decided that recovery is what I must devote my focus to. I really want help. I’m terrified what that will look like. I’m terrified of having to say these things out loud. I’m terrified that this means I finally have to tell my family. I’m terrified I won’t be allowed to exercise like I want to. I’m terrified I’ll gain. But no matter how scared I am, I’ll take the fear over the life time of self-loathing I know I will have ahead of me if I don’t get help.
Now I just have to figure out where to turn. It doesn’t help that my history with doctors has been none but discouraging. Anyone who has/had an eating disorder: where did you go? Who did you turn to? How do I know who to trust?
Permalink 1 note
01 5 / 2012
just finished running 3 miles… feeling better than ever :)
beastly abs
(via flatabsandthighgaps)
Permalink 1,388 notes
01 5 / 2012
I am a new fitblr!
I need lots of awesome fitspiration/healthy weight loss blogs to follow. If you could help me out and like or reblog this post, I will follow all of you. Also, if you have favorites that you would like to share with me just message me!
(via sweet-healthy-bliss)
Permalink 162 notes
